Spirit Thing.

Today I struggled with unbearable fatigue. For reasons that I do not know--I stayed up too late last night chatting with friends and singing to my new CD...the next thing I knew, it was nearly three o'clock in the morning. Wisely I chose to hit the sack but was woken up far too soon (and not by kisses which as previously stated, is the best way to be woken up). Turns out there is a 'need' to fix the gas lines in our neighborhood, so right outside my house in the alley at 6am, I heard the trucks roll in. It was when the drilling by this montrous machine seemed to shake my house that I could no longer sleep--it was time to get up. If I was lucky, I got almost four hours of sleep--and that's if I was lucky.

Unfortunately, I'm rarely lucky.

The day went on and I had to drive myself to pick out some eye glass frames.

Sidenote: Do you know that you can get Armani frames? ...why? I just don't see the point in spending a couple hundred more dollars to have a name down the side of your glasses that people won't see because your hair covers it anyway...

Anyways, I went to pick out glasses and I had a fairly good idea of what I wanted. They had to be stylish and classy--and in my price range (there's the catch). After forty-five minutes of trying on frames and several women commenting on the different styles--I decided it was time to get a male opinion. No offence to the female gender but there are just some things we can't do, I needed to know what was attractive, or I suppose what looked 'hot'. Funny thing was that the only male I could find looked at youngest sixty years old. He was very sweet though may I add, and he did help me choose frames that he said were 'stunning'. It's really hard to say no to cute old people--so the story ended with me buying the frames he liked best.

...Somewhere between picking out frames and getting flowers at a greenhouse for some clients, I smiled and forgot just how tired I was. I felt absolutly blissful, for no apparent reason. Nothing special happened today--rather it was quite the opposite. I picked out frames, I bought a ridiculous amount of bedding flowers and I sanded, primed and painted a railing on deck (which too much be sanded, primed and painted). But there was just something about today, nothing could ruin my mood--nothing could take away my smile.

What makes me this happy?

It's not a family trait--it's nothing that I ate and it didn't come from skating with holy rollers. It's an early warning sign, it keeps my life in life--but it's so hard to define...nevermind.

It's just a spirit thing, it's just a holy nudge, it's like a circuit judge in the brain. It's just a spirit thing, it's here to guard my heart--it's just a little hard to explain.

It's pushes when I quit, it smells like counterfeit, sometimes it works a bit like a telepromter--when it's telepromting you, I pray you'll let it through and I'll help you with the how but for now it's just a spirit thing.

Plain and simple--God.

Joy.

Love--it's in you to give.

(kind of like the whole blood donation deal).

I don't know what it is about today and me constantly updating my online journal with random factoids and useless rants but I am enjoying it and I suppose in my journal that is all that matters :)

I pinpointed the source of my happiness today. I sat back and wondered, 'why am I in such a good mood?' I think it is a combination of a couple things. For starters I took my dog down to sandy beach today and let her swim in the river--just being there with her and being outside was just the starting of a good mood. Then I got home, dropped off Holly who was tired and went out for a run. So I could be feeling happy as the result of an endorphin high. Afterwords, I found one of my CD's from back in the day of Jr. High of old school Christian music--The Newsboys.

A combination of all of the above and certain friends in my life has be grinning from ear to ear at nearly two am.

Step up to the microphone.

This is my third post in the hour! I am just in such a good mood.

Joy
By: The Newsboys

You give me joy that's unspeakable
And I like it, And Iike it
Your love for me is irresistible
I can't fight it, I can't fight it.

If life is water, I was dry as the Tuscon dirt
If it's a gamble, I'd already lost my shirt
If it's a journey, I was dazed without a clue
I flipped a "U" back to the first love I ever knew.

You give me joy that'sunspeakable
And I like it, And I like it
Your love forme is irresistible
I can't fight it, I can'tfight it
You carried the cross and took my shame
I believe it, I believe it
You shine Your light of amazing grace
I recieve it, I receive it.

If life's a battle, the invasion is complete
If it's a rhythm, I have found the perfect beat
If it's a renaissance, I've got a new birthday
The world don't give it
And the world can't take it away.

I'm bowed and broken, everything's new
All that I need, You're like water to seed
And how your love, rights everything wrong
In my weakness you're ever stronger,
You're pulling me back where I belong.

The Ultimate Battle.

Who would win--The charming devil or the nymph?

Now you are probably thinking what I thought when my friend compared me to a nymph--'What's a nymph?' Well, let me enlighten you with my new knowledge...

Nymph:
1.Greek & Roman Mythology. Any of numerous minor deities represented as beautiful maidens inhabiting and sometimes personifying features of nature such as trees, waters, and mountains.
2.A girl, especially a beautiful one.
3. The larval form of certain insects, such as silverfish and grasshoppers, usually resembling the adult form but smaller and lacking fully developed wings. Also called nympha.

My first reaction was, 'My best guy friend is calling me an insect? What the?' He then clarified--'Alex, look at the second definition'.

Take this knew knowledge with the idea that earlier today I was dubbed 'the charming devil'--so now I ask you, who would win?

In the rearview mirror.

Today was a rather uneventful but pleasant day. I was woken up by kisses (the best way to be woken up) by my faithful little canine sidekick, Holly. I rolled out of bed, hit the shower and just felt so good. Now, there is one way you can tell that I have hit my absolute happy mood, this is that I can barely contain myself and I break out dancing. Let me paint you a picture--I was dancing around my house this morning in a towel after my shower. These kinds of things I will only do in the privacy of my house haha.

...oh the things we do when no one watches...

This reminds me of a topic discussed in 'Sex and the City' (yes, I do admit--I love that show. I am addicted to it. Now that that is public, I'll continue.), that we as individuals develop certain 'single habits' in that we do them in private and not under any circumstances do we do these habits in front of a significant other.

Then I think to myself...'what do I do that's embaressing? Then I realize that question is endless seeing as I do quite a bit of stuff that is embaressing--especially when I have liquor in me. So then I move on to--what do I do when I know no one can see me?

I sing in the shower.
I 'dance' (if it can be called that) with my dog--it doesn't matter to what kind of music, it's all good. This is a big deal because for those who know me--I don't dance. Mostly because I am too self conscience, but that's another story.
I make myself laugh--but who hasn't?
I practice my 'incredible dance moves' in front of the mirror. (You know--so I can see how lame I am :) haha)
I daydream of romance--what girl doesn't?
I look at porn...
...
...
*falls off chair laughing* that's a good one! I wonder who actually believes that one. I have a little more self respect than that, porn is well, the objectification of women and men which I disgust. And that again, is another story :).
I listen to Nick Lachey's new CD. *runs and hides*
I walk around in my underwear. Although this point is not so true anymore. The people that lived with me at university can vouch for that. I could care less if your sitting in my living room when I come out of the bathroom from a shower in my underwear. I figure most people have seen the female body is panties and bra before--and I am a pretty comfortable person.

I got kind of sidetracked there--from my day to 'single habits'. Well, that's what A.D.D. will do to you!

Goodnight All.
Sweet Dreams World.

You know you're bored when...

What Kind of Hugs do you give? ( FMA pics)

Your hugs are Gentle and Loving. the person you hug can feel exactly how much they mean to you just by the way you hug them. you try your best to transfer all your love into that simple embrace.
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What pajamas are you??? girls only

You like wearing shorts and a tank to bed. You know how to keep things cool and look great.
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What kind of kiss are you?

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss that never lessens and always blows your partner away like the first time.
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Sensefield

As I heard those words leave my lips last night..."I'm still as innocent as you think I am..." I knew that I had made the right decision--waiting was and is where my heart lies. So I wait I shall.

Did you know NBC did a poll and found that 3 out of 10 13-16 year olds were sexually active?...The number just rockets from there as we find that young people today give themselves away to someone--anyone who will say those three little words...'I love you.'

Turn out the light--just say goodnight...to yourself. May I remind you, when you find you are all alone, is when you've got to be strong. That's when they call you in the night. He's got your picture in his mind, he's got your number on a paper--at his disposal anytime. Is it really true? Did you save yourself for someone who could love you for you? So many times we just give it away to someone who--someone who you met in a bar, the back of a car, and for a moment you felt important...but not in your heart.

Find better days.

You ask me what I want this year--and I try to make this kind and clear, just a chance that maybe we'll find better days. For I don't need boxes wrapped in strings, and desire and love and empty things...Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.

So take these words--and sing out loud. Cause everyone is forgiven now. Cause tonight is the night the world begins again.

It's someplace simple where we could live, and something only you can give, and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive and the one poor child that saved this world, and there's 10 million moree who probably could...if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them.


I wish everyone was loved tonight...and somehow stop this endless fight, just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.

...so take these words and sing out loud...

I am reassured by faith, given hope by the son of God, loved by the Lord himself. When I hear the words 'tonight's the night the world begins again', I can't help but think this is my opportunity to start fresh...perhaps this is what I'm being taught through the art of song.

Make it through.

Tonight at church--the sermon was a hard 'pill' to swallow. It wasn't that it was deep, difficult or by any means 'condemning' us as sinners..it just dealt with some very difficult issues. I've realized the years may have passed but my wounds are still very raw.

...I held you as you cried as I thought to myself--I'd do anything if it were possible to take this pain away from you...seeing you hurt makes me hurt...the tears began to well up in my eyes. You know who you are--I want you to know just how much I care. I will be here for you, through thick and thin, holding your hand and praying for you.

I'll help you make it through--I promise

Now comes the night.

When the hour is upon us and our beauty is surely gone, no you will not forgotten and you will not be alone...no you will not be alone. And when the day is all but ended and our echoes start to fade, no you will not be alone then and you will not be afraid.

I will not let you down...

I can nothing now but pray. I've tried to lead my own life in which I've led myself down the same path over and over again. I'm going in circles. When I find myself at this intersection, where there is only two options--I must sit and decide..."Do I go left, or do I go right?"

Each has it's own pros and cons...

Unfortunatelty, I can not see for myself which is better for me--so I leave it in your hands God...

...grant me the serenity--
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference...

That is what I need...the wisdom to know the difference.

Strip my mind.

What now?

...this question rings over and over and over again in my head...

What am I to do?

...if only I knew...

Scratch that thought.

Did You Know?

That some men believe that the uses of an IPOD Video entail porn breaks at work?
Thank-you to the guys at work for this one--I am now 'enlightened' more into the 'wonders' of the male psyche.

That it is possible to shoot a dead squirrel out of an industrial blower?
While raking bunkers, Brandon and Tom found what looked to be a dead squirrel (it was however in debate if it was perhaps a dead golpher), anyways, leave it to them to think to load it into a blower with a sand rake, start the engine and rev it to shoot it flying at Tyson driving the SandPro. The result? Tyson laughing while the boys loaded the blower several times. It ended sadly with the poor dead animal stuck in the blower while they boys shook it trying to get it out.

Those were just two of the events today that I was witness too--I'd say it made for an interesting day at work.

Now...

I must get ready (now that I've eaten) to head to the gym.

Then...

I'll sleep...and never wake up...

Important Annoucement: Rowan comes down this weekend from Edmonton. It will be very important to his survival that we show him a good time...if you know what I mean ;) haha.

Traded in forever.

Important Note: Many have inquired into my emotions that have been in the last few entries--I wanted to just say that this blog is in a sense my online 'rant space' which doesn't need to be explained sometimes...it's my way of getting things out that bother me...without actually saying the words. Does that makes sense?

To quote my friend Pete:

Women only have three traits:
1. Attractive.
2. Mentally Stable.
3. Single.

You can only pick two.

Question to self:
Are all the good ones taken? This is essentially what the quote states...that it is impossible to find a single, attractive, mentally stable girl. Is this true? And if it is--does the same go for men? If the former is true, we as a population are screwed. Screwed I say....that's just depressing...

Mental Note to Self: Avoid being single at all costs. Haha. Just kidding!

So today was busy, as usual. I went to work, then off to the doctor, then to buy new shoes (or as ball players would deem them--'kicks'). After the 'kicks' shopping, I went and coached and after coaching I went to Limmericks with some people from work.

Sidenote: Big Turnoff. Smoking. Eww. Like seriously--I happen to like my lungs, I don't know what you have against yours but I'd like to keep mine in one piece. Thank-you.

After Limmericks, I trained. Trained for what you say? Why my dear friend, let me inform you of my plan. (Yes plan--I seem to always have one of those, I guess I'm a very 'goal oriented' person). I am training for endurance running. My goal by the end of summer is to be able to run for 3 hours, at a fast paced run--the trick? Without feeling exhausted. I need to be able to step off the treadmill or head back to the car from the resevoir be like 'hey that was a good warm up'. Let the challenge begin!

This brings me to here--my point in the day where I lay in my bed and well, type about my day/feelings/whatever pops into my head. Sometimes it's a rant, sometimes it's frustrated emotion, sometimes it's schoolgirl giddyness and well others--it's a combination of any of the above.

Such is life.

Mixed Signals.

I am going crazy. C-R-A-Z-Y. What is it about this that drives me insane? Perhaps I can't describe it, it just is...there. And it's in the corner of my eye--I can see it in plain view but I can't have it. We all know not being able to have what you want drives you all the more crazy. In a sense its a 'hard to get' type game.

I have a love hate relationship with 'hard to get' type games. I love to hate them and of course, I hate that I do infact love them.

Not having what you want makes the want all the more desirable. If I could have what I wanted--would I be this crazy? Or would I just shrug my shoulders and think, 'that's no fun'--would the desire fade away? This is a good question...suppose I'll never know the answer.

The cycle is vicious! Not knowing the answer drives me all the more crazy...

In the end, I suppose we all run a bit off the road of sanity.

A thousand miles.

Daydream Believer...

I would walk a thousand miles--if I could just see you--tonight.

The day broke today at 6AM, I awoke to the sound of my alarm several times as I kept pushing the snooze button hoping to get away with just a couple more moments of shut eye. I finally arose out of bed, threw on my khakis and golf shirt, I walked down to the kitchen, quickly ate my breakfast and ran out the door. The time was 7:15 am. I pulled into the parking lot, turned the key, grabbed by bag, locked the car, and walked down the road to the Turf Care Center. I punched in, threw my stuff in a locker--locked it up and read the board for my duties.

Alex: HR Bunkers--Cart #12.

Thought to Self: I remember Cart #12...it's the slow one...darn.

Sidenote: The workers golf carts have been..."modified" to go...well...faster :) As I was informed, a few carts have not had this improvement as they are used for pulling the mowers for the greens. Cart #12 was assigned to bunkers...and shouldn't have been.

Moving along...

I searched the board for my partner, I searched and I saw his name. Happy to know that I was working with Ryan, I grabbed the equipment and fueled the cart. The morning went on with pleasant conversation--I will miss these people when summer comes to an end. Later on, Tyson on the Sandpro and I were trying to figure out where we knew eachother from. We both recognized eachother but we just couldn't place it--we came close to 'finding' this missing piece, but alas no luck.

Work was cut short today, Brandon and I punched out early to go play for the Glencoe Club Slowpitch Team. Yes. Baseball. I have not played baseball since...well, I was probably four feet high so the experience as you can imagine was--interesting. Good news? I didn't humiliate myself by striking out! I did however wipe out once and slide into the splitz to be safe on a base. The damage? Ripped jeans and gravel that had to be removed from my hands with tweezers. Eww. Oh well, as I told someone on the team--a game isn't fun unless it's dirty.

Note: It wasn't till after I said that--that I realized how many ways that could be taken. My bad.

I then went from there to coaching. The day was too busy. By the time I finally got home I was exhausted. I jumped in the shower, put on some pj pants and a sports shirt and enjoyed the quietness of my room.

Sadly is is almost ten, and I must get some rest. I must condition myself because work is moving towards 6am mornings--meaning I am up at...well...4:30am.

That smile...I keep seeing it everywhere I look...

Nothing to lose.

Exhausted.
Physically Exerted.
Frustrated.
Emotionally weak.
Physically strong.

I thought this was where it was at. I can recall myself saying--I just want to finish exams and go home. I just want to be done with this stress. Honestly...now that it's done, I feel empty--I miss it. I'm sure if I was there--I'd miss here, just like when I'm here, I miss being there. It's a no win situation.

Did we expect it to be like this? Did some of us think we could coast through just like high school? Did we expect things just to stay the same? I guess this year has brought us a year of change. We didn't expect this--I'll tell you that much. Some of us expected to coast through--and well some of us made it. Others worked till no end for no results while some got what they wanted. No matter what happened--nothing stayed the same. This year can't be repeated, next year will not be the same.

Speaking of the topic of how nothing will stay the same, we kind of have to wonder why we expect life to just wait for us. Did we really think it would pause while we caught up? I suppose I thought I'd come home and expect things to be the same. In some ways I was right--bang on. Some people haven't changed and I feel as if it's high school all over again, while others, have changed and I don't know what happened. I guess that was to be expected.

Tired of this.

As I type this entry, I ponder where I should begin--or what I should say. I dare not step out of line, I dare not say anything that is not socially accepted--therefore I must contemplate my options, choosing my words ever so carefully.

Ever feel that you're not measuring up? Ever wonder why you try so hard?

Have you ever felt so proud of yourself only to have it all taken away in the blink of an eye. An individuals reaction can kill our sense of self worth just as easily as an insult to our character can.

What we think may be great--could be another man's 'less than par'.

The feeling of pride when we've found that something 'great' can easily be lost for our greatness never measures up. I try so hard to push forward and all I feel is moving backwards..

Sometimes I feel like I'm playing forward in a backwards game...or vice versa.

I'm frustrated, yes--I admit it. I am frustrated. How do I feel? This is where the choosing of my words must come in oh so cleverly--I must choose them so I feel as if I have suffiently cleared my mind and my chest while making it not obvious to any reader what I am going through. Tough? Very much so.

I have run this race for nineteen years--falling, tripping, crying, getting bruised, battered and at some points--broken. Being the nature of a race, it is a competition--we can compete against those we love...even our family and friends. Now by stating competition as my choice word, I do not mean, 'I secretley wish they'd trip and fall'--rather I mean, that without meaning to you grow up faster, and leave them in the dust.

That's all I have to say.

Tongue Tied.

Sometimes it's better to be tongue tied than to let something slip...

Is it human nature? Can we actually get so bogged down that we take something out on our friends? Not only that--but is it possible for us to be so stupid to take our anger out on our friends? You can have a lot on your plate, but is that an excuse?

Sidenote: Taking something out does not mean a rant, or a little frustration. The "something" I am referring to is completely stepping out of the way to hurt someone.

Can you actually justify this?

Can you justify hurting someone you love? Can an abusive husband beat his wife and make it up by saying he was drunk and that he does truly love her? Where is the line drawn?

Where is that thin red line that we dare not cross? For perhaps if we do, there is no comming back. To "stoop" that low, to cross the line that far--maybe we've passed the 'point of return'--only God can redeem us after that...

Maybe I'm too blunt--maybe that's why I have an online blog, so I can rant about things that drive me up the wall instead of driving somewhere to smack someone in the face. I know I'm fired up right now, I can't help it--this brings back a lot of emotions for me. Grade 10 rushes back to me right now, and I can't help but think that the line was crossed. I may not have been emotionally abused by someone, but when someone you care deeply about is abused in such a way, it can make you feel as if you were the one being hurt.

If Only.

How many of us can say we've lived a life with no regrets?

Personally, I've always found myself wondering 'What If?'...

What if I had studied more?
What if I had chosen to this job over that one?
What if I had said no when I had said yes?
What if my dreams are unreachable, and I fail?

Sometimes I find the hardest expectations in life are not set by those around us--sometimes our hardest critics are ourselves.

How do we battle our inner conscience? How do we find a balance between not caring--and caring too much? If you find yourself asking these questions--you're not alone.

Personally, I've always found that sometimes my strength fades and I allow myself to believe the 'What If's'--I allow myself to believe I am inferior to my ideal self--ironically I compare myself to...myself. It's a battle between who I am and who I'd like myself to be.

I've realized after several years of this battle, that it is not to be won. For if we fight to be who we want to be--we forget who we are. We simply make the change from who we are to who we desire by learning from what we've done.

We all have regrets, we all know right and wrong exist--the key is knowing the difference. The key is accepting our mistakes as a way of growing stronger in character, our regrets turn into a step closer to who we desire to be as we learn life's hardest lessons.

At the end of the day, always remember--there are those that care about you greatly.
At the end of the day, always remember--there are those who respect you--look up to you--admire you.
At the end of the day, always remember...

You are somebody's hero.