Thinking Underage...

Could this week get any better?...
Note: Rhetorical Question.

I broke the "B" streak in English drumroll please..."A-". That's right, I got an A-. It's incredible, I thought I was destined for a life of "B" essays, but alas I broke that pattern, let's hope this won't be the only time...

You got me crossing everyline...you've got me, just in time......just in time...

Does it get any better than this?

If it does, then wow. Wow. There is a special someone comming this weekend. Now--special someone normally notes that special person of the opposite sex (or same sex--if you swing that way), but for me, that special someone is someone I consider one of my best friends...I wonder if she knows that...

Then you walked in, oh my, what a sight--all eyes on you...
Ooooooo, don't you know, I have never seen anything like you before...

Back to my story. Because this special person is comming up here to visit me, I in return feel special because she's taking time out of her life to come here. So it's just a good feeling cycle. So add that to the reasons for my amazing week--it's got to count for more than one reason because it just rocks.

Damn that smile girl, I got to meet yah...

Sidenote: I personally do not swing that way, I am merely enjoying the lyrics to a song that happen to apply to a completely straight love I have for a friend. Completely...partially? Okay, maybe it's not all the straight kind of love. Haha, just kidding...or am I? *raises eyebrow*

I don't want to jinx it, but this could be the best week I've had in a long while.

Your pouring dragons in my cup...

Alas, Good news.
Good news you say?
Yes. Good news.

Research Paper is complete. I managed to take an objective stance in my position and I finished it two days before the due date. Tis good news indeed.

Last Chem lab tomorrow of the year. Of the year. Then next week all I have is an 8am lab exam--and I'm done. No more 8am mornings.

In a month I'll be packing for home, I'll just have finished my last final exam. It'll be done. All done.

It seems that good news is just pouring in--including thoughts of you.
It's been a good couple days, the beginning of a good week.

Tigerific.

Clutter in My Head...

I've walked these halls a thousand times...

It feels like I'm about to fall, but this time you won't be there to catch me.

I thought I made it pretty obvious how I was feeling--I guess the keyword there was thought.

Everybody tries to put some love on the line, everybody feels a broken heart sometimes, even when I'm scared-- I have to try to fly, sometimes I fall, but I've seen it done before...I've got to step outside these walls. Because these walls can't be my haven, they can't keep me safe here, so I guess I've got to let them down...

I'm going to muster ever ounce of confidence I have--I must...I am trying to escape all the clutter in my head, trying to figure out what I want...what do I want?
...Not be afraid to fall...

I am not expecting this to make much sense anymore, I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I think that's the problem, it's like emotional roulette--pull the trigger and sigh of relief comes as the bullet isn't there. My hearts hurting and I don't know what to say anymore, I just can't understand that you can't see what hurts me, I can easily tell by the tone of your voice when something causes you pain...isn't that a mutual understanding?

The End.

Take My Hand in the Meantime

Let's walk into the sunshine

After a day of intense essay writing, I am left feeling mentally and physically exhausted.
I lay here--thinking about what I wrote and how the topic I chose for my research essay is enough for a masters paper.

Topic: The Religious Implications of the Holocaust
Thesis: Faith can not only survive but strengthen in times of adversity.

The topic was inspiring and challenging. As I sat down and wrote today referencing over five books, I realized to tear down an argument of an opposing critic I must go against my own morals. I was backed into a corner...What do I do? Richard Rubensteind states in his critcal essay that God really died at Auschwitz. Furthermore that nothing Israel could have done could deserve such violence. Now--I agree with him there, but he uses that as a reason to turn from faith, redefining an omnipotent God to be a God of nature who doesn't interfere in our lives. If God doesn't intervene--Rubenstein feels its easier to place the Holocaust in history. But, here is my dillema, to tear down his argument, I must use the Old Testament to prove that the Israelites sinned, and more than that, that the bible states very clearly that we will be punished for the sins of our forefathers. But wait...I'm backed up into a moral corner. Did I just say that because God made a covenant with Israel, and because Israel broke that covenent by worshipping the Baals, that the Jews took the punishment of their forefathers? I couldn't have...I can't...I simply cannot argue that in any way was what happened deserved on any level.

So now, I must take the standpoint that we brought this on ourselves... we did this. God gave us freewill and with that freewill came the corruption of man. Because we were given freewill, mankind sinned--and sinned, and inevitably sinned. We did this to ourselves--God did not bring the Holocaust upon us. Hitler was not god's angel of redemption, rather he was a man who chose to live a life without God, and by making that choice he went down a path that led to his own and many others destruction.

Is it that we are still under God's judgement from the original sin of Adam and Eve? Or are we merely experiencing the consequences of others actions?

Hence my moral dillema

The Down Low

This is just for informational purposes. For those wishing to read my online journal from 2003-2006, you can find it here:

http://mjchik23.diaryland.com

All I Ever Wanted...

Define Yourself.

Is it our mistakes that defines our fate? Perhaps without them, we'd have nothing to shape our lives. For if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or simply be who we are. After all, we, like cities, change. People may come and go out of our lives and what we find comfort in is knowing the ones you love are always in your heart.

Now we're young, our whole life is about the pursuit of fun--but we'll soon grow up and learn to be cautious; worried that you may break a bone, or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you.Life unlike a ride has no safety net. When does life stop being fun and start being scary?

Once again I say--Define Yourself.

We may not realize it but what we do when no one is watching is a reflection of our character. No gimmicks, no cliches, no pincushion philosophies--just ourselves, plain, simple and perhaps most unappealing. It is those silent moments when no one is looking that our conscience is free from spectators, free from guilt. What would you do if you knew no one could ever find out?

In the quiet of my bedroom, in the company of only my dog, it is here that I am truly me. No facade--just me. No makeup. No style. Just Mickey Mouse pajamas and a head full of to do lists. Speaking of "To Do Lists", it is here in the eerie silence that my thoughts haunt me, they force me to feel like I've left something--or someone undone. It is here when I am my only judge that I am left with empty thoughts, and and hopeful heart...

When I Look to the Sky
Train
Dedicated to all we've loved...and lost...RIP Marissa and Megs

When it rains it pours and opens doors,
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry...
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love,
That have to say goodbye.

And as I float along this ocean,
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go.

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me,
And you make everything alright,
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me,
And I can always find my way when you are here.

And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day,
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't dance before...
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss,
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away.

Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead,
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly...
But with you I can spread my wings,
to see me over everything that life may send me...
When I am hoping it won't pass me by...

When I'm left to think the about life in the solitude and the privacy of my heart I'm left with emptiness--a soul left wanting something more...hoping, searching, and discovering.

God has a plan for me.