I'm still awake.

Winter just wasn't my season.

Todays Theme: Inspiration by Song.

Song Title: Hide and Seek ~ Imogen Heap.

As I listen to the melody of this emotional song, I am reminded of perhaps some of the hardest moments of my life...those in which my character has been made and broken...

Where are we? What the hell is going on?

I remember the moments--I remember them clearly. It were as if they were yesterday--all blurred into one day I describe with the term 'hell' (which I do not use lightly).

Flashback.

This can't be happening. I sat there in disbelief staring at the TV as the news brought tears to my eyes. It was only ten minutes previous that I was enjoying a game of Trivial Pursuit with a dear friend. But now--everything is different. It was there, where I sat that my life would forever change.

"Alex--something has happened..."

I gazed at the TV, vision slowly becoming impaired by a watery like curtain--as if bringing a close to my 'act'.

Seven Students Found Dead in Avalanche.

Those six words engrained my heart and ran circles in my head. It was if I left the repeat button on my stereo and the only song playing was the horrific news--over and over and over again.

"Oh God--that's the one Alex knew..."

My heart hit the floor, I went from being in disbelief to hitting a wall of pain. I collapsed to the floor as I felt a flood of tears rushing to my eyes. No longer could I see. No longer could I feel. I was numb.

This night marked the beginning of a journey for me--a journey which caused me to question the very fundamentals of my religion up to that point.

...if God was the God I had been raised with...how could he do this?
...she was only fifteen...how is this fair?

I was only fifteen. Too young to comprehend death--too young to part with my best friend. I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry, confused, irrational and hurt. After all, when you're that young, you find yourself believing your invincible. It is only when we jump and find we can no longer fly that we hit reality.

A year later...

I kneel at your grave, placing daises at your bedside--praying softly. Had I found peace with what had happened? Could I finally accept God's role in my life? I knew I could never understand why he did what he did, but I must have faith. This is what you taught me.

A couple of months later...

"Hurry girls, run faster. Pick up the pace. We've got a game tomorrow and I expect you to play the ball..."

It was your typical rugby practise--almost eerily normal. All was well...or so I thought. We ran our laps, executed our drills and practised our game plan for the next day. The sun began to set as practise ended--we all gathered and yelled the team cheer.

"Western on three--ready? 1-2-3 WESTERN."

I headed to my bag to unlace my cleats and get going home for dinner. I picked up my cellphone in the rush to empty my bag looking for clean clothes. An unusual message read on the screen--"11 Missed Calls".

"That's odd--I'm not that popular."

As I dialed in my voicemail access code, I walked over to my car in my high school parking lot. The messages all seemed urgent with requests by people to call them. This was odd indeed. As I stepped into the car, I made a few calls, all of which requested I go home--all but one.

"Alex--come over, something has happened. I will tell you when you get here, now hurry over."

The words, "Something has happened" repeated in my head, much like the news telecast did a year earlier. I thought naively that my friend was experiencing boyfriend troubles or a fight with a family member. I pulled up on her driveway, shifted the car into park as I made one last call.

"...Alex...something horrible has happened...Megan passed away--Alex...she's gone..."

I blinked in disbelief. Utter disbelief.

"She was hit by a car comming home from school..."

At this moment, the night became a blur. The cellphone dropped from my hand and I fell on the driveway where I stood into a messy heap. I was found lying on the driveway sobbing...

Again--questions flashed through my mind...How could God do this to the ones he loves? ...I had just come to terms with the loss of my best friend and now once again, death hit close again--too close.

It was in the following year that I fought for my life--I fought against all hope that I wouldn't live to see tomorrow. For if my heart stopped beating--maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

Two Years Later...

Here I stand, shaped by the horrors that I have come to know as defining points in my life. I fell in times of hardship--only to be lifted up higher by God. I was given renewed hope for those I loved and had lost--for they lived for their Savior. I would do as they taught me and follow in their footsteps...chasing after God...

~In Loving Memory Of~
Marissa Dawn Staddon
Megan Suzanne Bensler
You'll live forever in my heart...