Say goodnight to...

A Tribute...
To the amazing experiences that defined our first year at university--it was as if we blinked and it was over.

Farewell, so long to you,
We've come to the end of the night,
It's all been wonderful,
A lovely and wonderful time.

Say goodnight to--
All the friends who--
Rocked and rolled beside you.

We hope you've enjoyed the show,
It's over,
It's over,
It's all over now.

This room will be empty soon,
When the music and laughter is gone,
This night will be forgot,
But the joy you've found can go on...

Say goodnight to--
All the friends who--
Rocked and rolled beside you.

We hope you've enjoyed the show,
It's over,
It's over,
It's all over now,
The lights come down, don't lose your glow,
When it's over.
It's over,
It's all over now.

Is it all over?
Or has it just begun?

Weird Dream.

Has a dream ever made you wonder?

Ever have a dream that leaves you wondering what you were thinking before you fell asleep?

Ever have a dream that leaves you wondering, "Do I really feel that way?"

I have. What did it mean?

The day begins.

It's 6 am, I'm so tired, the alarm sounds and a new day begins. Before I disturb this peaceful moment...I look to you. I want to say a prayer, before my feet can hit the ground, Lord I give this day to you...

In 6 hours I will be done my first year of university.

In 6 hours I will be jumping for joy--and biting my nails in a nervous anxiety.

In 7 hours I'll be packing up my room, loading a trailor, and doing everything I can to be ready to leave tomorrow.

In 10 hours, I am going out to celebrate.

What can I say? First year was amazing. No words to describe how the people affected me, and how the Lord has blessed me. From the parties, to the cramming, it's been a good time.

I breathe in...I breathe out...I give this day to you.

Reality.

Ever see something so surreal and wonder...was I actually there?...

I've been so preoccupied with studying and the surreal nature of my encounter with a famous basketball player--that I really haven't let the cat out of the bag.

What is this that I speak of? Well let me enlighten you...

I was blessed to be lucky enough to go to see the Harlem Globetrotters play on Sunday, and that's not all--it gets better. I walk down to the courtside as I'm trying to figure out where my seats are, I ask for help and I'm directed to floor seats, centercourt.

It doesn't get any better than this...or does it?

I'm standing on the court getting my basketball autographed and low and behold, I turn around to look around to see who is behind me...and who was behind me? A couple bratty kids, some pushy moms and a tall dark and handsome stranger. He caught my eye--and not in the way of, "Wow...he's crazy good looking" but rather..."Where do I know him from?"

I turned around and minded my own business, still trying to place his face in my mental photoalbum. Then BAM...it hit me. I took a second glance...is that who I think it is? Nah. Can't be. What would be the chances of that? Slim to nothing. But still, it's got to be. I turn around and without meaning to, I stare. Everyone pushes past him to get the Globetrotter's autograph while I can't help but think..."they're pushing past a legend..."

If only they knew who they were pushing aside. If only they knew the person they were bull dozing over was more famous than the Globetrotters themselves. I bet you want to know who the mystery man is...the man who autographed my ball right next to "Teddy Special K" the captain of the Harlem Globetrotters.

Drum roll please. Sit back and hold on, this one is going to blow your socks off.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Crazy eh? I still can't believe it.

Stressed? Take a number.

The days pass and people have come and gone home. I've seen matresses and suitcases being carried through the doors of residences and houses on my street. I've through campus as it becomes more and more empty...and I can't help but think, "When is it my turn? When do I get to go home?"

Today will come and go, I'll sit here on this very couch studying--wishing and hoping for the best.
Tomorrow will come and go, parents will start to pack up my house and become overwhelmed with the excitement of my return. But I'll still be studying on this very couch--wishing and hoping for the best.
Wednesday will come and go--finally, another exam down, one left. Parents will try and distract me from my nervous anxiety while I'll still being sitting on the couch studying--wishing and hoping for the best.
Finally, Thursday will come and go--the last exam will be done and I can finally breath again.

How can I rationalize that it is only two exams left? Just a few more days and this will be over...I can't seem to come to grip with reality because I'm overwhelmed...I'm scared.

There I said it. I admitted to perhaps my greatest weakness. I'm scared.

What if I don't study the right material?
What if I don't finish studying?
What if I get there and know nothing?
What if I can't sleep?
What if I can't eat?
What if I fail?

Too many "what ifs"--not enough common sense.

Will you remember me?

I'm frustrated beyond belief and one may ask why. Well--this time of year does it to me...I just want to curl up in bed and scream into my pillow in hopes to relieve some sort of stress.

Good news?
Five days till this torture is over.

Three Exams Done.
Two Exams Left.

Known Grades:
Sidenote: Go being weighted on a curve!
Statistics Lab Exam: Class Average: 70% My Grade: 86% ---translates to about an A- on the lab exam
Chemistry Lab Exam: Class Average: 52% My Grade 85% ---translates to about an A on the lab exam
Overall Chem Lab: Class Average: 75% My Grade: 88%---translates to about a B+ to an A- in the lab.

You know what makes me feel special?
Out of 1701 students who have written the lab exam, 96 have achieved an 85% or better...I am in that top percentile...

Two more...just two...

I'm still awake.

Winter just wasn't my season.

Todays Theme: Inspiration by Song.

Song Title: Hide and Seek ~ Imogen Heap.

As I listen to the melody of this emotional song, I am reminded of perhaps some of the hardest moments of my life...those in which my character has been made and broken...

Where are we? What the hell is going on?

I remember the moments--I remember them clearly. It were as if they were yesterday--all blurred into one day I describe with the term 'hell' (which I do not use lightly).

Flashback.

This can't be happening. I sat there in disbelief staring at the TV as the news brought tears to my eyes. It was only ten minutes previous that I was enjoying a game of Trivial Pursuit with a dear friend. But now--everything is different. It was there, where I sat that my life would forever change.

"Alex--something has happened..."

I gazed at the TV, vision slowly becoming impaired by a watery like curtain--as if bringing a close to my 'act'.

Seven Students Found Dead in Avalanche.

Those six words engrained my heart and ran circles in my head. It was if I left the repeat button on my stereo and the only song playing was the horrific news--over and over and over again.

"Oh God--that's the one Alex knew..."

My heart hit the floor, I went from being in disbelief to hitting a wall of pain. I collapsed to the floor as I felt a flood of tears rushing to my eyes. No longer could I see. No longer could I feel. I was numb.

This night marked the beginning of a journey for me--a journey which caused me to question the very fundamentals of my religion up to that point.

...if God was the God I had been raised with...how could he do this?
...she was only fifteen...how is this fair?

I was only fifteen. Too young to comprehend death--too young to part with my best friend. I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry, confused, irrational and hurt. After all, when you're that young, you find yourself believing your invincible. It is only when we jump and find we can no longer fly that we hit reality.

A year later...

I kneel at your grave, placing daises at your bedside--praying softly. Had I found peace with what had happened? Could I finally accept God's role in my life? I knew I could never understand why he did what he did, but I must have faith. This is what you taught me.

A couple of months later...

"Hurry girls, run faster. Pick up the pace. We've got a game tomorrow and I expect you to play the ball..."

It was your typical rugby practise--almost eerily normal. All was well...or so I thought. We ran our laps, executed our drills and practised our game plan for the next day. The sun began to set as practise ended--we all gathered and yelled the team cheer.

"Western on three--ready? 1-2-3 WESTERN."

I headed to my bag to unlace my cleats and get going home for dinner. I picked up my cellphone in the rush to empty my bag looking for clean clothes. An unusual message read on the screen--"11 Missed Calls".

"That's odd--I'm not that popular."

As I dialed in my voicemail access code, I walked over to my car in my high school parking lot. The messages all seemed urgent with requests by people to call them. This was odd indeed. As I stepped into the car, I made a few calls, all of which requested I go home--all but one.

"Alex--come over, something has happened. I will tell you when you get here, now hurry over."

The words, "Something has happened" repeated in my head, much like the news telecast did a year earlier. I thought naively that my friend was experiencing boyfriend troubles or a fight with a family member. I pulled up on her driveway, shifted the car into park as I made one last call.

"...Alex...something horrible has happened...Megan passed away--Alex...she's gone..."

I blinked in disbelief. Utter disbelief.

"She was hit by a car comming home from school..."

At this moment, the night became a blur. The cellphone dropped from my hand and I fell on the driveway where I stood into a messy heap. I was found lying on the driveway sobbing...

Again--questions flashed through my mind...How could God do this to the ones he loves? ...I had just come to terms with the loss of my best friend and now once again, death hit close again--too close.

It was in the following year that I fought for my life--I fought against all hope that I wouldn't live to see tomorrow. For if my heart stopped beating--maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

Two Years Later...

Here I stand, shaped by the horrors that I have come to know as defining points in my life. I fell in times of hardship--only to be lifted up higher by God. I was given renewed hope for those I loved and had lost--for they lived for their Savior. I would do as they taught me and follow in their footsteps...chasing after God...

~In Loving Memory Of~
Marissa Dawn Staddon
Megan Suzanne Bensler
You'll live forever in my heart...

Wonder Why.

What do you live for?

Do you live for today? Instant-satisfaction, good times, no consequences? Do you live for this life, and this life only? Do you believe that once we die--that there is not life beyond the grave? If we live for this life, we live for people and ultimately possessions. But both can be lost, and when we've spent our money and our loved ones have passed, we are alone, desperately alone.

What profit does a man have if he gains the world but looses his soul?

There must be meaning to life. Meaning to explain the pain that we feel on a day to day basis. There must be something that gives more to life than things that may come and go out of it.

What do you live for?

Do you life for tomorrow? Accepting consequences and believing in eternity? Do you live this life as if it were just preparing you for the next? Do you believe that once we die--that life lives beyond the grave? If we live for tomorrow, we live for God and we are given eternity. This kind of love can never be lost--we are never alone.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." ~ C.S. Lewis

What do you live for? What is the source of your hope? In life nothing is reliable after you die--but God.

What do I live for?
God. I live to bring meaning to my life by living through Jesus our Lord and Savior. I find comfort in his forgiving nature, for he lives in me and guides me through this life.

Big Grin.

A night like this...kept you wishing for a night like this again. So, I'll take your hand, and set you falling into the air...
Take this night and all it's stars well, could it be anyone else with you? No, no, no. Take this time now, and all this charm well, could it be anyone else here?

Oh someone tripped you up, and sent you reeling right into me--so come along now, let me see what I've got here for you...it's alright, so close your eyes and hold on tight...'Cause a night like this kept you wishing for a night like this, again...

Take this night and all it's stars well, could it be anyone else with you? No, no, no. Take this time now, and all it's charm well, could it be anyone else?

I wonder what it's like.

Some people think of teen love and their reaction is to smile. After all, there exists this idea that it's not real--the most one can feel at a young age is deemed 'puppy love'. To such people I wonder where their memories have gone. Did they fade that much over time? I even find myself now taking on the opinion that I once hated in my younger years--the idea that youth cannot comprehend the complexity that is love. But...wait...can I no longer recall the realities of my first love? Sure, it didn't last, nor was it expected to--but does that make it any less real?

This brings me to the idea of 'adult love'--the equivalence of quote unquote real love. But look around us, the divorce rates are high so who is to say that adult love is meant to last? Does it make it any less real because it doesn't?

All love is very real--very powerful. Teen love is a time in our lives that our joys and our pains are felt perhaps stronger than any other time in our life. We experience turmoils as we learn to grow up. What is the difference? A teen will where their heart on their sleeve, and hope for the best--while an adult will forever stayed guarded. I hope to find the balance of the two.

Who among us, can truly say they forgot their first love?

And I exhale.

All signs point to the inevitable--yet here I am ignoring them. Perhaps it's obvious, maybe I should know better. Afterall, how much can one actually take?

But then I tell myself...
...one must put themself on a ledge emotionally--risk it all in hopes to gain just that one thing. So here I am, standing on a ledge--wondering why I am back to square one. I'm driving a car, burning tires down a road, passing all the road signs that warn me of the curves ahead. And as obvious as it may seem, the potential danger--I must find out for myself.
Let me do this...
Don't judge me...

Miles and miles of pavement that became my destiny...

Construction Ahead.
Slow Down.
Maximum 30km/hr.
Stop.

Abruptly, I am brought to the very question that lies ahead of me--do we ever truly forget? Is it possible to move on like nothing ever happened?

But you can't jump the track.

Singing in hopes that you'd understand...

Dear Lord, in the past, I've tried counting my blessings--I must confess that within this body, the pain I feel has caused my soul great unrest. But I know that a moment--a single second of doubt for your love that I may feel could be taken advantage of by the evil that lives in this world. So I pray this prayer Lord, I pray it to my Dear Savior, it is my most urgent request. Please, please continue to remind me, each and everyday of how much I've truly been blessed. Take your word and imprint it forever in my heart--"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son"...We must all ask ourselves "Is there a greater love than thine?"

...I will remember this when nights seem endless and when pain seems to rob me of sleep, remind me to count upon the Shepherd--intead of counting sheep...

Amen.

Glued to the table.

These words are my diary screaming outloud...

1 Corinthians 13:3
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing...

What is this love they speak of?

I question.
God answers.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 4
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Is love the greatest emotion we can seek to attain?

I question.
God answers.

1 Corinthians 13:13
...now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I feel this moment as a time to reflect...has there been a moment in time in which I have felt love, faith and hope in such a powerful way that I have fallen down to my knees?

I reflect.
I remember.

The most powerful emotion I have ever felt--the loss of a loved one. It was here that I found complete desperation, denial and loss of faith. I struggled. I battled. I was torn, beaten up, and drowning in my own tears. I hit rock bottom and cried out for help. I felt alone, desperate, and at a loss. I felt defeated, angry, and shut out. I searched for answers in the wrong places, my hurt took me to dark places. I ran my hands along the walls as if I was blind--I was hopeless. Gone. Shattered soul. Broken heart. Empty mind.

It was there in that desperation, in that lonely, mind-numbing silence that I found you. There faith was renewed, and love and hope restored. It was as if I opened the bible to this verse and my cries were answered...

Lamentations 3:19-22

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

I was lost, and Jesus found me.

Just Breathe.

Two Finals Now Done.
Kaput.
Finished.
Ended.
Fini.

Today was rather slack--not because my workload with thin, or because I didn't have a lot to do. Rather--it was that I chose not to do anything. I went to English, and left half way through. Perhaps I figured there was something better to do with my time. Nevertheless, I left, and that was it. I went strolling Whyte Avenue in familiar company in the afternoon, and booked it to my lab final exam when I realized I'd be late.

...Bad News?...
I made it on time.

Moving Along. Accelerating or perhaps drifting. Gliding--or overrated slithering.
3...2...1...launch.

I place my fingers on the key hoping that through divine intervention, the subconsious thoughts of my heart will travel via my central nervous system and be relayed here on the screen in front of me. My hopes failed me. My brain interfered with the process and my concious thoughts are those being portrayed. Perhaps my hands want to type my feelings but fear the consequences.

My heart says one thing--my head says the other.

This my dear online diary, I must call a dillema of sorts. A conflict perhaps. A battle between my concious's. A head on collision with my feelings in the drivers seat. A contest or even a competition for the keys. A struggle for power, a biological tug of war.

My heart desires to feel, while my head desires to think. Unfortunately, sometimes, these two do not go hand in hand. Perhaps here is where the expression arose, "seeing through rose colored glasses". It's as if we can only use one in periods of our lives, and those who choose to see with their hearts--see the world through "rose colored glasses". They see something that isn't real, something that isn't tangible, perhaps something artificial.

I've thought so much now about my rivalry between two sources of opinion that I forgot to say what I wanted to.

Another day, another time.

Odd Jobs.

Mental Note: Do not drink so much coke that you have another day like today.

*logs into mental storage bank*

Moving forwards.

If you see an ad in the University advertising for "Summer Employment" but there are no specifications, just that it pays well ($18.05/hr to be exact), no experience required and an interview--kind of makes you wonder. My friend is interested--personally I think the Gateway (paper) is advertising for hookers and can't legally post it. That's my thoughts. She's in for it. Next thing I know she'll be patrolling Whyte Avenue between 110th and 91st. She seems to think the most popular hours are from 1-9pm, personally, I think hookers are not high in demand in the afternoon. But--Sunday mornings on the other hand, you'll get the big spenders--after all, everyone knows those who don't go to church go out looking for hookers...

And people wonder why I shouldn't drink...

Move Sideways.
Sidenote: Don't you just love it when you catch your friend sending dirty text messages to her boyfriend in the middle of lecture? ...I do...but I am odd that way.

Step Back.
Pet Peeve: Jealousy. Honestly, I have been trying to crack this mystery for as long as--well frankly since I started dating. Guys and guys don't mix, I don't know if its the testosterone, or if it's the confusion of which head to think with, but something is up there. I surveyed some guy friends last night to see their stances on jealousy with their girlfriends--the results were mixed. Some were raging with hormones while others were like, "Well she likes me, if other guys like her, it's kind of like I got the prize...I like that". What differentiates the two types of guys? Genetics? God only knows...

Change up the direction.

From the Heart.

Another summer day has come and gone away, Paris and Rome--but I want to go home...maybe surrounded by a million people, I, feel so alone, just want to go home, oh I miss you. And I have been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you, each one a line or two, I fine baby, how are you? Well I would send them--but I know it's just not enough...my words were cold and flat and you deserve more than that...

One final down--one step closer to home

Another aeroplane, another sunny place, I'm lucky I know, but I want to go home...I've got to go home. Let me go home, I'm just too far from where you are, I want to come home. And I feel like I'm just like I'm living someone else's life. It's like I just steepd outside, when everything was going right and I know just why you could not come along with me, but this was not your dream--but you always believe in me. Another winter day has come, and gone away--and even Paris and Rome, and I want to go home...Let me go home...

I am not as homesick as the song says--but I found it so irresitably romantic. (Michael Buble-Home).

Tell me everything you want me to be, forever with you, forever in me...

Finals Countdown:
One in 30 hours.
One in 12 days.
One in 21 days.
One in 22 days.

Call on me, I'll be there for you, as you are for me

Every moment is a surprise.

Possibilties keep walking in on me.

First Final In: 21 hours.

Did you take the time to listen to my breath or to my words?

Nervous Breakdown In: 3 hours.

Thinking how I'm bearly breathing

Cafienne High In: 7 hours.

You're every look gives me tingles...

Cafienne Crash In: 10 hours.

When I feel just like I do--when I'm with you

Bedtime In: 11 hours.

We won't fade away.

What am I to do?

Time is collapsing.

Time is slipping away from me--with the blink of an eye, this year has passed and it's almost time to write my finals again. It feels like just yesterday that I finished them at Christmas, and with a sigh of relief I left campus for home. Now, within less than a month, I will drive away from University to head back on the road to home for the summer.

I am excited to go--but at the same time, I will miss you.

Finals Countdown:
Five in Total:
1. 31 and a half hours.
2. Two days.
3. Fifteen days.
4. Twenty-Two days.
5. Twenty-Three days.

...Should I be scared?...

God only knows...

Hold Me.

Tiana, Lisa and Myself--Charlie's Angels Style.



Lean on Me--Lisa and I.

Someone to help me surivive.

You love to run, into the arms of anyone... Take off your shoes, and socks and stay a while. You, like the adrenaline rush--just a little too much. You go from day to day, hand to mouth, and wonder why, you're unsatisfied...
Because love is a marathon, that's why you get so tired of everyone, slow down and face yourself, because when it's good, it's a long, open road.

I ask myself questions--questions upon questions without answers. Perhaps I believe that if I keep asking myself questions, I'll stumble across the right one.

My past and future have now seperated once again--and I'm left sitting on the couch thinking about the events that brought me to this place. Within a short span of time, my world came crashing down around me as I was forced to be reminded of what I went through--the mistakes I made.

Someone once told me to not regret things--for the mistakes me make teach us to be a better person. So does this individual live with no regrets? Do they honestly believe that everything they have done was for a good cause? I believe the contrary, I believe God gave us a conscience so that we may feel bad about our mistakes--so that we may feel our regrets and by this feeling of guilt, we hopefully will not repeat them.

I am going to try and be strong, after all that is what most people describe 'me' as.

Anyways, now for what most people post in the online 'diaries'--the events that composed their weekends.

My weekend started when I was dismissed from my last class on Friday--Statistics ended and life begun. I sat around with friends all afternoon, drinking beer, relaxing, talking, all while I anxiously awaited the arrival of my dear friend Lisa. I was so anxious that I could not contain myself--she was comming up to visit me, and I couldn't have felt more special. Time finally gave in and passed--6'oclock came. I was in my room grabbing something and I heard Martine yell to me that my guest had arrived. As I rounded the corner to the door--I saw one smiling familiar face that made my heart almost jump out of my chest. I ran and screamed as I hugged Lisa, just so happy to see her. She said she had a surprise and in walked Tiana, I was overwhelmed--I felt so special, I can't even describe it. I threw my arms around both of them as we all laughed and smiled. The night went on with inside jokes, and teasing about "hugs not drugs". The highlights? Teaching Lisa to mix some Pina Coladas while Tiana blasted music on my computer, then trying to play Cranium while Nick got competitive and Unrau passed out on the floor. Before he passed out, Kevin managed to guess Unrau's amazing ability to act out a famous female tennis player. We then went out for a walk on Whyte looking for my friends, Rowan and his two buddies, Norm and Pat. After walking down to 104th, we realized that we were cold, and unsuccessful. We did however manage to make fun of all the overenthused girls at the clubs. We headed back to find the boys standing outside of our house in the cold waiting for us. We came back in and just chillaxed the night away. The guys sat and talked about I have no idea what while Tdawg read her "book" (hahaha) and Lisa and I broke the guest bed. The evening ended perfecty (in my eyes) when Lisa and I stayed up in my bed talking till 3:30 in the morning.

Thus Friday Passed.

Saturday morning came all too soon, and we found ourselves stumbling around upstairs trying not to wake Kevin and Katie downstairs. Lisa, Tiana and I got all dressed and took some crazy pictures of 'Charlie's Angels', except with a twist. Tdawg and I wore movie star glasses while Lisa popped on my science protective eyewear. The pictures--priceless. We then took a stroll over to campus, eating a fancy breakfast at The Great Canadian Bagel. After a tour of a bit of campus, we headed back to my place to grab the car keys, give Holly a break and head over to West Ed. After Tdawg tried on some grad gowns, we headed to get some pictures taken, grab some lunch and buy some matching hats. After we all were equiped with some hot hats, we headed into Jacob to visit my friend Jess who was working a busy shift. The day took us then to the pet store and then London drugs for snacks and trashy magazines. We drove back to put our feet up and enjoy the tips in Cosmo and the gossip in Star. My friend Ty then joined us to brave the lives of three girls. The night ensued with:
1. Some interesting pictures that we'll look back and think...what were we doing? Or more importantly, were we drunk or just high on life?
2. Pirates of the Carribean and Lilo and Stitch
3. Cooking dinner that poured all over my shirt and burnt my stomach. The result? Me standing in the kitchen with no shirt on and a bag of Perogies on my stomach. The downside? Lisa took a picture (which I later deleted :) haha).
4. Hercules, Turbo and Izzy.
5. Story time with Lisa--if you could call those stories.
6. More blackmail pictures which followed after Ty left...She wore an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow poka dot bikini....

Thus Saturday Passed.

We awoke the next morning, loosing an hour of time thanks to daylight savings. We watched Fast n Furious while Tiana tried to fill out her gossip crossword puzzle. Lisa then 'enlightened' me by showing me UFC. May I ask guys at this point the very important question of...why? I conclude, it must be a guy thing.

So, my guests just left a half hour ago and I am sitting on the couch--contemplating the events that have come to pass and my future that has come to present. This weekend meant a lot to me--if only you knew how much you meant to me. I could say it a million times and I'd still feel as if I didn't say it enough.

I told you not to worry about presents...

You were the best birthday present I could have ever asked for.

When the moment was not right...

When I look to the sky--something tells me you are here with me...

I am tired of cliches, I am tired of hearing the not so comforting words of 'comfort'.
Time will heal all. All cannot be healed
God will heal your scars. God can heal us--but scars will always remain
It is better to have loved and lost...than to have never of loved at all. Really? I would agree to the point where I wouldn't take back the love that I had for those I lost, but at the same time, I wouldn't go as far to say that cliche. I think the person who first said this didn't know what it was like to lose.

I think I'm just frustrated, I am tired of people trying to justify what I feel through 'happy go lucky' expressions, telling me I'll feel better. I know I will--I am fully aware that I'll my up days, but with those days will come the downs, and I am aware of that too.

Will I truly ever be over this? Or am I forever carrying this emotional 'baggage'?

At the end of the day, we will always be left with scars--irrational fears, broken hearts and far too many tears.

She acts like summer and walks like rain...

Looking for yourself out there ...

What do we do when we seem caught between two lives? Pulled by the past, and drug along by the future? More importantly, who do we be? Ultimately, do we choose who we were because that is familar? Or do we choose to walk the 'dangerous' side, exploring the unfamiliar?

Did you fall from a shooting star? Are you lonely when you find yourself out there?

It is here, in this moment that I find myself falling in the abyss between the past--and the future. Most would argue that between the two stands the present...but does the present exist? Like honestly, can you say now, is now? By the time you've said you're living in the now, the now has become the past, and no longer does present exist. Therefore, I am trapped between the past and future, for the present is an abyss that bridges the two.

Am I making sense?

So now that I've confronted my emotional 'tug of war', what do I do? Who do I choose to be? Are the people who are pulling me into the future going to mold a better me, or are the people of the past the people who truly know me? Do I venture into the unknown perhaps to redefine myself as someone less of who I was before? It's all very confusing...

This weekend has brought my past, and my future together, to create one very odd present.