Somewhere only we know.

Note:This entry ponders on some of the sadder aspects of life--it is no way an indication that I am feeling sad. They are just questions that sometimes I lay awake thinking about. So to answer the question before it is asked--yes, I am okay :)

I walked across an empty land...I knew the pathway like the back of my hand. I felt the earth beneath my feet, sat by the river and it made me complete. Oh simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on. So tell me when you're gonna let me in, I'm getting tired and I need somwhere to begin. I came across a fallen tree, I felt the branches of it looking at me--is this the place we used to love? Is this the place I've been dreaming of?

This could be the end of everything--so why don't we go somewhere only we know?

Why is it that we can seem to come so far only to be brought back to square one? Sometimes it feels that we can take three steps forward to take two steps back. I suppose as long as our 'net movement' is forward there isn't a whole lot of cause to worry. But still...there is that ever irritating wonder in the back of our head, that makes ourselves ask "What If?". This is a question I deal with far too often, with almost all aspects of my life. I think personally this is something I have to work on, I can't dwell on the past, afterall, what's done, is done and all we have is now.

But still, I wonder...

The hard part now is choosing what I write--I keep backspacing paragraphs and paragraphs that I write because they just don't seem to suit what I want to say. What do I wonder? Well a lot of things--but to narrow the spectrum down to this topic...

I wonder if it's worse to have the chance to say goodbye to the one you love before they pass, or if it's worse to have no closure at all...I don't think this question could ever be answered, for I don't think you can say one is worse than the other when they both just flat out suck (for lack thereof a better word).

I wonder why events in our lives can cause irrational fears. Megan turned left at an uncontrolled intersection and that just happened to be her last recollection of life here on earth. Now, because of it, I fear these left turns at uncontrolled intersections. Is it becasue I feel I too may see my last day? Or is just that I avoid them because they remind me of an event--or more so, a day I'd rather forget?

I was talking with my friend who recently suffered a significant loss in his life. He said it perfectly when he said that he had to grow up overnight. He had to do the unfathomable--in order to be strong for those who needed him as a leader, he had to do exactly what he said--become an adult overnight. So when do we grow up? For some of us, it takes a while and still we never lose our childlike nature, while others feel that they lost their childlike innocence in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I just wonder if an indication of my move towards adulthood was when my greatest fear stopped being heights and started being loosing someone I love. Or was this change of fear a regression towards to being a child again? Who knows.